


Why Did You Do That?

by orphan_account



Series: Tell Me How To Feel. [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Can you tell I just love making my works one character centric, Denial of Feelings, Devotion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Feelings, Frustration, Idiots in Love, Kim Hongjoong-centric, Lots of Hongjoong adoring Seonghwa and then being frustrated with said Seonghwa, Love/Hate, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, Yeosang makes a cameo good for him, glad thats a tag, okay well not really but kind of, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Then we can match, if you’re okay with being seen with me like that.” Hongjoong says it softly, tone velvety even to his own ears. He doesn’t enjoy the way Seonghwa downplays him most of the time, but he also doesn’t like to see Seonghwa looking so small.Because he loves him. And when you love someone, you want them to be on top of the world. Even when being on top of the world means them going far out of your reach.(OR: The prequel to 'Million Reasons')
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: Tell Me How To Feel. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700110
Comments: 14
Kudos: 53





	Why Did You Do That?

**Author's Note:**

> I have...no words.
> 
> Okay well actually I do LOL Um so....here we are again? This is a prequel??? but it ends in the same scene as Million Reasons does so??? Look, basically it's Seongjoong's messy ass love story told through Hongjoong's POV. I had a really difficult time with this because Seonghwa's POV was written all through projecting in one go, but this one legitimately took a few writing sessions because I got easily burnt out/confused. Sorry if it's messier in comparison to the other one I really tried to pretend I knew what this would all look like from the side of someone who ISN'T acting like a clown TuT
> 
> anyways yes! title is taken from the same song by lady gaga (can you tell i get emotional listening to lady gaga music OTL) please give it a listen :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this! Stay happy, healthy, and safe everyone!!
> 
> -love, nana

_“No, I can’t, can’t let go_

_‘Cause ever since I met you I’ve been praying on my knees_

_That you would always stay around, that you would never leave_

_...Why did you do that to me?”_

  
  


Hongjoong meets him on a cold night.

If he were being honest, with both himself and with the people who always question why he was even there that night, he’d say it was because something in him had snapped. He had broken down, in the middle of his apartment, and he needed to drown it out so that he could go back to his normal self in the morning.

Hongjoong actually tried, when it came to work. He tried when it came to most things, never quite the slacker in any sense of the word, but he always felt like if he didn’t try hard enough, nothing good would ever come to him. No one set up expectations for him, sure, but he’d set enough for himself to think that his worth was determined solely by whether or not he was satisfied. If his grades weren’t high enough, if the person he saw in the mirror wasn’t successful enough, if his relationships with others weren’t stable enough-

Well, that was a future Hongjoong refused to accept as a possibility. 

But it’s not like he was invincible. In fact, most days he was more human than anything else and he’d cry over small things. He’d make his coffee salty during a breakdown, or call his older sister and sob over the phone while she soothed him gently through the static of the line. Hongjoong was always piling on the responsibilities and expectations and when he cracked under them, he’d go out to pretend they were nonexistent and drown them effectively until there was nothing left to be seen of the damage he’d done to himself. He would survive. Hongjoong wasn’t invincible, but he damn well knew the secret to passing himself off as much.

So he went to that party, trying to run away for just a second, hoping to get it all out of his system and hopefully his head, when he found him.

  
  


Seonghwa is gorgeous. Hongjoong never likes to judge someone off of their appearance alone but Seonghwa is just...too much. His beautifully lost eyes staring at the stars in the night sky and body gently swaying in the shadow of the night, the very edge of the balcony railing pushing little teasing folds into the shirt on his abdomen. He keeps pushing it, taunting it, and Hongjoong feels an immense fear in him grow. What a beautiful boy, on the edge of something much more dangerous than just an empty balcony at a random house party.

He doesn’t want to startle him, so he approaches him slowly, a few fingers at his forearm. It’s enough to get Seonghwa staring down with those lost eyes, hazy gaze glancing over at Hongjoong and not questioning the movement as he’s pulled onto the cold concrete foundation of the balcony. Hongjoong doesn’t care that the floor is cold, he holds Seonghwa’s body close and just listens to him breathe, in and out.

Seonghwa questions him, through soft and yet rough whispers, and Hongjoong curls fingers into his hair. Seonghwa questions him with his body, with his eyes, with his words, as Hongjoong comforts him. Black locks and a beautiful face, only tainted by such battleworn expressions and gazes. Hongjoong sees transparency and tries to ignore it, wondering if the alcohol in the other’s system (which is quite obvious, because he reeks of it) has pulled away a mask Hongjoong shouldn’t see him without. He can respect a person’s secrecy, he does it all the time.

So he pretends he doesn’t see it, and keeps holding Seonghwa close.

  
>>>>

“Well, aren’t you gorgeous today?” Seonghwa says, shining smile but dull eyes.

Hongjoong doesn’t know why he continued to see him after the party. It’s not like he had any intention of keeping contact with him, but somehow they did. Seonghwa would come to bother him at his job (a convenience store cashier, which was the only thing truly available and understanding of his college student schedule) or sit with him in the library while he studied. Sometimes they’d go for coffee, for lunches, for midnight snacks. Seonghwa was wedging his way into Hongjoong’s life and as much as he felt like someone was actually trying to get to know him, he always thought of that first night when Seonghwa’s mask had slipped off.

His shining smile would be enough to distract anyone else, but Hongjoong can only really see his dull and uninterested eyes.

Maybe he doesn’t mean to carry himself like that, Hongjoong had tried to reason initially. Maybe Seonghwa was socially awkward, inept, somehow misunderstood. He said nice things, always, but Hongjoong could only focus on the minute fidgets and calculated twitches of the other’s body while he waited for a response. It didn’t help that in passing, he heard stories from other people around campus about what exactly Seonghwa got up to in his spare time.

But Seonghwa always looked at him like he was hiding behind a screen, and that Hongjoong could never get in. Like his defense was flawless and he had Hongjoong right where he wanted to him. Something in Seonghwa was always akin to a predator and Hongjoong, clearly feeling he was poorly underestimated by the other, paid no real attention to it. He enjoyed Seonghwa’s company, even if most of the things he said were confusing or forced. So he let Seonghwa think whatever it was the elder always seemed to be thinking about. 

“I’m not,” he says, trying to seem bashful. In truth the words rolling off of Seonghwa’s tongue about his appearance made him sick to his stomach, but he could hold it down in hopes of satiating whatever pathetic hunger Seonghwa had. He hated hearing people compliment his appearance- refer to how he looked at all, really- most days, but at least it was getting them somewhere.

He wanted to believe, deep down, that Seonghwa was trying to show commitment through his words. He wanted to think that Seonghwa was trying to plant roots in his life and actually grow into something tangible. He stood there and played back the words until they didn’t make him feel queasy, and once he was certain enough that he could just accept the compliment for what it was, he smiled. 

And then Seonghwa’s mouth tugged at the corner in a small smirk that faded quickly, like he didn’t want Hongjoong to see.

That was all it really took for him to stop fooling himself. 

  
>>>>

Hongjoong spends a lot of days holed up in his apartment.

It’s not abnormal, when you’re actually determined to graduate and be a good student, but it can be overwhelming at times. He goes out when it gets too stuffy, usually either to work or to go pick up something to eat. Anything to get his sorry ass out of the house and into fresh air. It feels good when Seonghwa calls him out sometimes, begging him through texts or over the phone to hang out and look at something other than his unwritten essays. Hongjoong accepts the offer graciously every time.

They sit in an empty park together, gazing at the stars, and Hongjoong feels his throat close up.

He won’t cry, he knows. He’ll feel the anger and the frustration boil but he won’t cry. The thought of Seonghwa seeing him cry makes him immensely uncomfortable. 

Seonghwa is part of his frustration, most of the time. 

“The moon sure is pretty tonight, isn’t it?” Seonghwa’s tone comes easy, unbothered and light. He sounds like he’s at peace. Hongjoong can’t bring himself to turn over to him and see his side profile, uninterested and veiled in whatever emotion he’s trying to project. Seonghwa’s mask is poor at best, and the fact that he clearly thinks people can’t see through it is halfways between heartbreaking and aggravating. What a sick person Seonghwa was, to never show Hongjoong whatever the hell he was truly thinking. 

What a stupid person Hongjoong was. He let Seonghwa call him out every single time. He showed Seonghwa what he was feeling. He played into Seonghwa’s weird fixation with having some sort of unspoken godlike power in Hongjoong’s life. 

To others it must look like tension-filled flirting; to Hongjoong it felt like a quiet game of torture.

“The moon is decent enough,” Hongjoong replies, suddenly rigid. It’s his fault for thinking to himself about all the things Seonghwa’s done that piss him off, that make him lose his mind, that make him wonder and want just like Seonghwa’s probably hoping he will.

It’s not even a game to Hongjoong, and he’s losing.

“Shame on you,” Seonghwa says with a careful snicker, “insulting the moon like that! You must be the most unromantic person I’ve ever met.”

_That’d be you_ , Hongjoong wants to say. _You don’t even fucking know what romance is._

“Sorry, I’m too tired to admire anything tonight. I’m not quite the poet either.” Hongjoong’s voice comes out dry, and for once he dares to look up at Seonghwa.

He gets a carefree smile, but they’re accompanied by surprised eyes. He can tell the other is at least slightly shaken.

Something in Hongjoong clenches tightly. He feels like he’s...disappointed Seonghwa. Always somehow surprising him slightly, in a way that Seonghwa recovers from quickly only to be thrown for a loop again later. Maybe he thinks he’s got Hongjoong all figured out, but he’s barely even scraped the surface.

Hongjoong doesn’t know what he’ll do when he finds out what lies underneath. A part of him- this stupid, dangerous part of him- wants to find out.

“That’s okay,” Seonghwa says softly. Everything about his demeanor goes gentle and for a second, Hongjoong’s foggy mind wants to so badly believe it’s genuine. 

“You just rest, then. There’s no rush, I’ll be here.”

Hongjoong wants to believe him _so_ much.

  
>>>>

He runs into Yeosang on accident sometime in the following months. At first, Yeosang is just another common stranger that Hongjoong bumps into from time to time. He’s a seatmate in a few classes who he’ll ask to recap questions and borrow notes from, but they’re not really friends. He doesn’t even know that Yeosang knows Seonghwa (and he doesn’t mean the way everyone else knows Seonghwa, he means the way he knows Seonghwa) until they’re talking casually over something pertaining to the class and his phone lights up.

Seonghwa texts him a careful ‘did you have any plans later today?’ like he always does. Always trying to make himself look just shy of desperate, like Hongjoong was the one thing he desired.

Hongjoong would be surprised if he even made it onto the list of Seonghwa’s desires as an honorable mention. 

“He’s a friend of yours?” Yeosang asks, politely and guarded. He has a solid idea of what boundaries he’s allowed to breach and when, and Hongjoong appreciates it immensely. After all of the time he’s spent wallowing in Seonghwa’s puzzling company, it feels nice to have someone show him an honest face with blunt eyes. Yeosang’s brow quirks in obvious curiosity but he conceals any other impatience he might have. Not hidden, just polite.

That’s probably what Seonghwa wants to come across as.

“Yeah, I guess we’re friends. Seonghwa is...I don’t think he’s someone you’d just be friends with, you know?” Hongjoong says without thinking, wondering if Yeosang will spark the rumor mill that’s been going dry lately. But the sudden surprise that overtakes the other’s features seems less out of interest in igniting a new rumor.

“I know what you mean,” Yeosang says carefully. “He’s one of my best friends, but he’s…”

They share a knowing look, and the tension in Yeosang’s shoulders dissipates.

“It’s tiring, isn’t it? He’s always...giving you the runaround, at best. Always masks hiding this and ulterior motives veiling that.” Yeosang crosses his arms over his chest, a puff of air from his lips moving a platinum lock from his face. Hongjoong hums in agreement and rests his chin into his hand, leaning on their conjoined desk.

“It is, I won’t say I’m not frustrated most of the time. It’s hard to tell what he wants from me, but I also can’t say…”

Yeosang looks at him curiously, prompting him to continue. Hongjoong sighs, twiddling fingers and scratching against the wood of his desk. Anything to avoid looking at Yeosang as he says it.

“I can’t say I hate it. I kind of...I kind of like the way he makes me feel.”

What he doesn’t expect to see when he finally looks up, is Yeosang smiling at him with hopeful eyes.

  
>>>>

“I want to know if maybe...you’d go out with me, some time.” Seonghwa’s hushed voice comes over the sound of pages turning. Hongjoong’s pencil scratches against his page, almost tearing the poor sheet in two with the force of his tug. He looks up at Seonghwa, wide-eyed, and watches the other munch on his own bottom lip as he waits for a response.

For the first time, Seonghwa looks openly nervous. 

Hongjoong’s seen many fake sides of Seonghwa. He’s seen his facade in many different lights and situations, and seen the way Seonghwa moves with calculation until he’s gotten just the right amount of chivalrous and bashful down to make something in Hongjoong stutter. He’s seen all the movements, all of the subtle mess ups, all of the bits and pieces that Seonghwa has to offer.

But when he’s faced with trouble, all he’s ever seen was Seonghwa walking away before his shell could crack.

So to sit here, and see him biting his own lips with shaking eyes, Hongjoong can’t bring himself to argue all of the reasons why he shouldn’t get into something deep with Seonghwa. Hongjoong, who is open and honest and always hard working. Seonghwa, who is an enigma at best and an absolute disaster under a disguise at worst.

They don’t mix, they don’t fit. They wouldn’t work out in the long run because Hongjoong would pour everything in and the moment it got to overflow too much, Seonghwa would find his way out. And it’d hurt like hell, because even if Hongjoong can decipher all of Seonghwa’s fake movements and distinguish forced fantasy from reality, he’d still come to the conclusion that he loved the elder, and his heart was broken. It would always end that way: Hongjoong, trying to piece back together whatever was left of his heart, and Seonghwa, running away with the rest of it crushed between his fingers and stuck to the bottom of his shoes. 

And yet, with the way his eyes shake as he stares at him, Hongjoong just can’t find it in himself to remember that Seonghwa is always under something else. Always using another persona or going by a different face. Seonghwa is dishonest, a liar, a _fake._

And yet Hongjoong nods. Because he wants to know everything about Seonghwa, even the fake parts. He wants to love him, broken heart and all.

Hongjoong hopes that one day, Seonghwa will look at him long enough to let the mask slip just a little, and he’ll be graced with a look of sincerity before it all fades back to the Seonghwa Hongjoong’s okay with losing this game to. 

  
>>>>

He knows it drives Seonghwa wild when he stares at him. Sometimes, when Seonghwa catches him staring, he sees the other’s eyes widen and something like fire flare up in them. He knows it’s just enough to taunt him into an area where his mask can’t follow. The fact that Seonghwa is angry to begin with for even being stared at by his (now) boyfriend brings up many questions. It pulls into the spotlight many problems the fake Seonghwa doesn’t have.

And Hongjoong likes watching him crack. He thinks that maybe, if Seonghwa is going to hurt him, then he should at least be able to satisfy himself with the still image of the other looking off into the distance, his real eyes and real expression shining through all of the falsities he cakes on. Hongjoong likes to see Seonghwa breathe through all of the distrust. He loves to see his lover like a flower sprawled out under the sun, basking in the light, just before he goes back to hiding in the shadows.

Seonghwa doesn’t know it yet, but Hongjoong is in love with every side of him. The real Seonghwa- who lies and fights against his own emotions and runs away from everything- is Hongjoong’s favorite. 

Seonghwa’s got him running in circles, but he doesn’t hate it. He’ll stare for as long as Seonghwa, irritable, quietly frustrated Seonghwa, will let him.

  
>>>>

Hongjoong hates uncertainty the way Seonghwa does. In that aspect, he thinks they must be the same.

Seonghwa doesn’t like the things he has no control over, understandably. Seonghwa’s primary characteristics are surrounded and created by some form of control. The control over his real emotions, the control his masquerade grants him over others, the many different types of strings he can pull with his control. He lives in it and thrives through it.

Hongjoong just doesn’t like not knowing where he stands, is all.

So he adjusts quickly to the way Seonghwa cracks, and the way he puts himself together discreetly afterwards. He gets used to Seonghwa the person, covered in lies and drowning in his own pretentiousness, and follows through with it in the way that keeps them together. He wants to be Hongjoong, Seonghwa’s partner. He wants to know that in Seonghwa’s life he stands alone unlike anyone before or after him. If the elder was going to slice him open he wanted to know he left a mark of his own.

And he wouldn’t scar Seonghwa, but he hopes he can seer himself into his brain.

“Wanna match today?” Seonghwa asked quietly from in front of the wardrobe. It was Hongjoong’s closet in Hongjoong’s apartment, but Seonghwa was half past shameless at this point, and Hongjoong was way past caring. 

“Do you?” Hongjoong asks carefully. He wants to know, sometimes, just likes to tease and test. He wonders if he pulls enough, that one day Seonghwa will fall into him; give way to the way Hongjoong keeps coaxing him in.

It’s so tiring, holding out for this weird ghost of a feeling that he’s special to Seonghwa, but he can’t help it. He’s like a starved man taking any little droplet of water the other will offer him. Seonghwa doesn’t own him- he can’t, Hongjoong wouldn’t let him over his own dead body- but he has a quiet control he’s unaware of.

Because Seonghwa might not be able to claim Hongjoong as his property, but Hongjoong’s heart is very much his. It’s just a matter of concealing it enough so that Seonghwa won’t trample on the new possession. Hongjoong will take his time to teach Seonghwa how to treat it properly.

“I think I do,” Seonghwa says, voice quivering. Maybe he’s not used to being asked something like this. Maybe the street’s never gone both ways. Who’s to say that with control, Seonghwa doesn’t end up even more lonely than before?

Standing above is surely no different than being left behind.

“Then we can match, if you’re okay with being seen with me like that.” Hongjoong says it softly, tone velvety even to his own ears. He doesn’t enjoy the way Seonghwa downplays him most of the time, but he also doesn’t like to see Seonghwa looking so small.

Because he loves him. And when you love someone, you want them to be on top of the world. Even when being on top of the world means them going far out of your reach.

“I’m okay with it,” Seonghwa says, more sure of himself. He’s steeling himself, locking away his hesitancy. He’s letting the mask slip right back on into place. Hongjoong watches- for just a second- when the real Seonghwa who is probably little more than scared and confused, pulls away from his reach.

He’s never had Seonghwa to begin with, but he aches to be seen by him. It’s a war to him and a game to Seonghwa, but Hongjoong won’t attempt to find victors throughout it. Come hell or high water, he wants to make Seonghwa stay.

They might not have each other, but Hongjoong at least wants for them to be together.

They match that day.

  
>>>>

Seonghwa questions why Hongjong stays with him a lot. Probably every other day, or at least when the topic comes up, he looks at Hongjoong with a bewildered expression and always asks _‘why?’_

Hongjoong smiles at him, sometimes. Other times he quirks his brows, or looks back at Seonghwa with a confused expression of his own at the question.

It’s going to take time, he realizes, for Seonghwa to ever come to terms with the fact that someone loves him. And it’s okay, Hongjoong will wait.

They occasionally get close- both physically and emotionally- and Hongjoong relishes in it. He tells Seonghwa one night the honest truth, about sticking to him for a reason he knows Seonghwa is avoiding. Maybe it’s his greediness intensifying, or the new territory that feels less like they’re at arm’s length, that brings it out of him. But now he wants. He wants and he doesn’t think he can let Seonghwa go if he tried.

He told himself he wouldn’t get in too deeply. He told himself that it’d end in tragedy. He knew from the very beginning that Seonghwa was a liar. But he knew more than anything else that as much as Seonghwa is a handful, he’s also a blessing in all of the ways Hongjoong didn’t even know someone could be. Because every time he’s given the option to walk away he finds himself rooted in his spot, trying to reason with himself all of the things Seonghwa’s done and all of the ways in which he’s being hurt, or lied to, or given excuse upon excuse. And in the end it’s never enough to pull him away. Someone could list those things out one by one and etch each of them as a scar into Hongjoong’s body and still- still, he’d see Seonghwa each and every time.

And he wants. In all of his years where victory was the only option and perfection the only outcome, the only thing Hongjoong’s ever been okay with leaving as a mess was his love for Seonghwa. His messy and uncoordinated desire that’s swirled into layers of devotion and adoration. He’d love Seonghwa even with a broken heart that’s torn into pieces. He’d love Seonghwa even if he had to cry every night in confusion because Seonghwa wounds him. He’d love Seonghwa even if being with him can be frustrating.

He loves Seonghwa, and Hongjoong can’t picture a future or a lifetime where he doesn’t.

  
>>>>

“I don’t like you,” Seonghwa had said to him, randomly. It was so...unprompted. So out of the blue when he stepped into the apartment he’d let Hongjoong make a crevice for himself in. Hongjoong never told him, he couldn’t, but it was one of the happiest moments in his life. To be here, to be allowed this much intimacy. Every time he stepped forward and Seonghwa didn’t step back, euphoria bursted behind Hongjoong’s eyelids and painted his world in new hues. Every time he felt he could see Seonghwa, find the man in between his self-contradicting words and tangled lies, it was like discovering a secret he’d been wanting to hear for years.

Hongjoong wanted to grow in Seonghwa’s heart. Hongjoong wanted to be that flower among all of the wilted wildlife Seonghwa was accustomed to seeing. Hongjoong felt he was special, and in return for such a beautiful feeling he wanted Seonghwa to see that he was, indeed, different. 

So to hear Seonghwa say he didn’t like him, pulled Hongjoong to a place he’d hoped he’d never have to go.

“Okay.” He said, not knowing what else to say. What could even be said? He prayed, somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind, that this Seonghwa was fake. He looked for the telltale signs through confused eyes, hoping to find the little cracks and ridges of Seonghwa’s mask. He wanted to know someone was underneath the face he was staring at. He wanted to know those words weren’t true.

He had to know those words weren’t true. And even if they were, as much as they’d break him into pieces, he wanted to know they didn’t matter.

“I think we should break up.”

Hongjoong feels his heart freeze over, resignation stealing his emotions. He wanted Seonghwa. He wanted someone who’d never given themselves to anyone else before. He wanted someone who might not even know how to give themselves up to anything, let alone trust themselves to a whole other person. He wanted something that maybe...maybe he’d forgotten he couldn’t have.

Only in a perfect world would Seonghwa ever want him too.

“Do you really?” Blank formalities. Just a question he asks because his body has begun to move on autopilot.

“I do.” Seonghwa says without a second in between, certainty in his tone as plain as the sunrise. 

Something like hurt settles into Hongjoong’s bones, caressing his ribcage. It curls up and around his freezing heart, it creates a ring of fire. His resignation holds back the sadness and despair long enough to give way to a flood of disinterest and hollow disappointment.

Hongjoong would do anything for Seonghwa. But he realizes that if he gives and gives Seonghwa will only be accustomed to taking. So he steels himself, reminding himself Seonghwa doesn’t own him. 

If this is still just a game to Seonghwa, Hongjoong will play it. Long before Seonghwa came into his life and seized his vulnerable heart, Hongjoong was perfecting the art of pretending to be invincible. 

And he tells himself, through shaky nerves he’s swallowing down along with bile and tears, that it’s because he loves Seonghwa that he’ll be strong. Because Seonghwa is weak deep down, and he needs someone who can hold him up while he navigates the trenches he’d thrown his real self into.

And because he loves him, he’ll give him what he needs. In the end, he’ll still love Seonghwa even when there’s nothing left of him. 

“What’s your reasoning for it?” He says with a tone so cold, it almost shocks himself. If Seonghwa wouldn’t be careful with him then Hongjoong wouldn’t return the favor. If they had to rip through each other for him to make Seonghwa understand- if he had to force Seonghwa’s eyes in their sockets just to look at him- Hongjoong would do what he had to. 

Being with Seonghwa has taught him to love himself, even if it was through being selfish and fighting with the person he’d do anything for. Even if it meant taking care of the one person he should be walking away from.

Even if it meant that he’d be stuck selling himself short, at least Hongjoong was doing something for himself for once. Doing something for himself by doing everything he could for Seonghwa.

“I’m bored with you, you’re not fun to play with.”

“Is it because I don’t give you what you think you want?” Hongjoong finds himself asking, watching Seonghwa scoff at him. But it’s a hollow noise. They’re both just gutting each other to make up for their own hurt, he realizes. They’re both full of so much love that it pours out in venomous words and misdirected anger. Hongjoong feels his heart flip-flop through anger and love, from disgust to devotion, each and every second.

And Seonghwa is a whirlwind that made Hongjoong go crazy, but he doesn’t mind.

“It’s because you’re fucking boring, Hongjoong.” A lie, Hongjoong knows. A lie. “You’re piss poor at most shit and you’re introverted. I need some excitement in my life.” 

Almost as if he were spreading himself out, Hongjoong sees the real Seonghwa flickering through the words and the anger he’s seething. He can see it clear as day, the way Seonghwa regrets and deflects through every word that comes out of his mouth. He can see the way it hurts him, like he’s trying to reason and rationalize his decisions as he makes them, and Hongjoong just knows.

Even if Seonghwa were to just sit there, staring at Hongjoong with quiet eyes, Hongjoong would know. He doesn’t have Seonghwa figured out- people are too complex for such a thing. But he knows that he’s special at least. He knows he’s not the only person who’s been in Seonghwa’s life up to this point, but he wants to be the only one like him.

Hongjoong doesn’t have Seonghwa figured out, but he’s patient enough to learn. And he’s learned so much about Seonghwa already.

“I don’t want to play with you anymore,” Seonghwa goes rigid, a nerve clearly being poked sharply without his permission. Hongjoong’s seen it a few times. It’s those little areas where Seonghwa gets vulnerable. It’s when he’s most fragile. “I don’t want you anymore.”

Hongjoong hates the way it sounds rolling off of his lips, like he’s hurt Seonghwa deeply. Like he cut him open. “Seonghwa-”

“God, can’t you just stop acting like you’ve got me all figured out?! You got one fucking thing right, Hongjoong, good for you. I’m actually multi-faceted, even if each side is a fucking jerk. Can you stop pretending you know exactly which part is a lie and which is the truth?” Seonghwa screams at him, probably startling himself with how much he lost his posture. Hongjoong watches him fall apart, clearly stressed out enough for it to ooze out of him.

Maybe someone else would see it as an argument. Maybe it’d look like Seonghwa was hurting Hongjoong and cutting him open, but Hongjoong didn’t see it that way. The only thing that hurt about this whole interaction was the way it seemed like Seonghwa was tearing himself apart right before his eyes, crumbling into the mess he was underneath his mask. And Hongjoong can’t decide what parts of it he means anymore. The real Seonghwa and the fake one are melding together into one, clashing and combining all at once as Seonghwa shows off all of the ugliness inside him while he boils over. 

Hongjoong sees his eyes shine with unshed tears. Seonghwa’s never cried in front of him before. 

He doesn’t say anything, choosing to get up and walk towards the front door. It doesn’t feel...right, to look at Seonghwa like this. It doesn’t feel right to think about himself in relation to Seonghwa, to think about what he should or shouldn’t do for the other, when he sees him so vulnerable.

Maybe he needs to remind Seonghwa that the world doesn’t revolve around this fucked up push-and-pull they have going on. Maybe he needs to remind Seonghwa that he exists, as a human being, outside of the fallacious world he’s built for himself. He turns his head to stare at Seonghwa over his shoulder, truly puzzled all the way down to his core for the first time. There’s no hurt left in him that’s strong enough to make him think about anything else besides the way he looks broken.

Hongjoong just wants to help him fix himself.

“I hope you say it like you mean it,” he says to him softly. “But I also hope...that right now I just can’t decide what’s true and what’s not.”

He twists the knob of Seonghwa’s front door with shaking hands, closing it behind him softly and standing there in the doorway. He just stares, down the hall and around at the other doors, and wonders to himself how he got here.

How did he end up being so messy on the inside? How did he end up in a situation where he was trying to bring someone else out of their shell when he didn’t even understand how to come out of his own? How did he convince himself that as much as he was thrusting his heart into hands that would surely crush it, it was worth it?

How, through all of the confusion and frustration, did he fall in love so deeply?

Hongjoong feels tears finally pour over onto his cheeks. Somewhere behind him, as he walks away, he thinks he hears Seonghwa scream.

There was no right way in this relationship; there was only them. And they were both broken.

Something deep inside of Hongjoong makes him think that they were both meant to be.

  
>>>>

He learns to live, eventually. Two weeks with no missed calls or unanswered texts from Seonghwa makes him go a little numb to the hurting. He isn’t perfect, he knows, and the relationship prompted him to work on parts of himself that are far from healthy. In all of the places he’d felt Seonghwa was destructive, he found himself. It’s those little things that encourage him to adopt a better lifestyle.

He doesn’t hate the mirror so much anymore. Because he remembers that it’s the face everyone around him always sees and no one is deterred by it. Nobody thinks he’s ugly the way he thinks he is.

Seonghwa once told him he was beautiful, and whether or not he meant it, Hongjoong will hold onto the words and treasure them.

He tries not to be a hypocrite. He stops putting so much pressure on himself, stops trying to pretend he doesn’t have problems of his own, and he stops playing like he’s invincible. Being with Seonghwa, as harsh and disorienting of an experience as it had been, made him feel a newfound confidence he didn’t know he could have. It was a sporadically born resilience that kept them on equal standing in their relationship despite Seonghwa’s dominant nature, and it continued to exist even outside of it. 

Hongjoong goes out for a walk sometimes, and it’s not just to get himself out of his apartment. He genuinely enjoys them, learns to mingle with the outside world without holding things over his own head, and he finds himself feeling lighter.

He just wishes he could share this newfound happiness with Seonghwa, to help him some too. Hongjoong wasn’t trying to control Seonghwa and maybe deep down, Seonghwa wasn’t trying to control him either. Instead of a battle for power, maybe he should have taken more satisfaction in the fact that they were there in the same space at the same time, together. He wanted to help Seonghwa help himself, and by extension he wanted to help them. They couldn’t fix one another, but they could help each other to at least fix themselves. Hongjoong regrets sometimes looking at Seonghwa like he knew everything the other was thinking, for knocking him out of his own safe place so quickly, but he reminds himself that it was because he loves Seonghwa that he was so adamant about the way he saw through him. 

If he could do it over again, Hongjoong would still love Seonghwa just as much. But maybe knowing what he knows now would make him be a little better for him.

He stops walking when he sees Seonghwa over the edge of the lake in the park he’s passing by on one of his walks. The elder is leaning forward, like he’s staring into the water, and Hongjoong thinks of the first night he saw him on that balcony.

He finds his feet taking him to the other long before he’s even giving it a second thought.

“Fancy seeing you here,” _I missed you_ , he wants to say. _I wanted to see you_ , he wants to whisper. There are many things he’d love to dump on Seonghwa at once but they all go silent when he sees the other shift to the sound of his voice. “I hope you’re not planning on drowning yourself, or something,” he says instead.

“I don’t think I will,” Seonghwa says back to him, tone full of rumination. It’s not...aggressive, or guarded. It’s just Seonghwa. 

“Why not?” Hongjoong humors him, playing into the way Seonghwa stares at the water like it’s full of a mysterious message only he can decipher. The air around him seems so different. Seonghwa seems different. 

“Because a starboy once told me that just by being here, I mattered. It matters more when I’m here than if I did something that led to me not being here.” Seonghwa says it with care wrapped around each syllable, like the words themselves are fragile and need to be said delicately so as to not shatter. It’s a testament to how precious the memory of their first meeting was; to the both of them.

Hongjoong’s breath catches on the word ‘starboy’. “A starboy, hm? Was he pretty?” Hongjoong finds his chest fluttering, his eyelids following suit at how the moment suddenly shifted into being so tender. This Seonghwa wasn’t the Seonghwa he was used to. It was the Seonghwa he loved- but without barriers, without shields. 

The Seonghwa tearing up before him, looking off into the gentle golden ripples of the water like they were precious- like this world was suddenly too precious for words, had no mask. He was just him.

He was just the man Hongjoong would do anything for. He was just everything Hongjoong could ever want or ask for.

“The prettiest; I just wish he’d see it.” He says, voice still curling around his phrases protectively. Hongjoong is met with those beautiful misty eyes. He wants to soothe the ache he can see in Seonghwa’s eyes. He wants to tell him he can see it clearer now, that he’s not as afraid or upset as he was before.

A part of him wants to tell Seonghwa his insecurities aren’t as big as they were before and that he’s working on them, because something in him feels that that would make Seonghwa truly happy. Because Seonghwa must care about him too somehow, right?

“Seonghwa,” he calls to him, needing to know. “I just need to know if you meant it, that day.”

And Seonghwa speaks through a thick air of self-humiliation, of shame and disappointment. Hongjoong can feel through his words the way he really sees himself. He listens to Seonghwa berate himself subtly, like even that is something he has too much pride over to fully admit.

“It all matters, even the lies. But I want to hear it, Seonghwa.” He wants to see Seonghwa, to truly view him in an intimate and vulnerable way. If the real Seonghwa is as easily destroyable as glass, then Hongjoong wants him to know that he’ll hold him gently, that he’ll handle his everything with care. He wants to see Seonghwa unfold not in a way that requires him to pull at his own seams until he’s crashing and burning, but in a way that lets him bloom. 

Hongjoong wants to watch the love of his life _grow._

“I think I meant it...when I said that I didn’t want to play with you anymore. I don’t. But I also don’t want you to go away, Joong. I know that no matter what I do, I’m always going to fuck up somehow and give you a new reason to get frustrated with me.” Seonghwa says, shakily, pouring his heart out in his tone. And Hongjoong feels affection climb up his throat and threaten to spill out on everything. He can feel his body thrum with this sudden wave of endearment, just wanting to swaddle Seonghwa in it. He wants Seonghwa to know.

“Seonghwa-”

But the elder is beating him to it. He spills his heart out messily, quickly, eyes darting and tongue quivering around each hurried word like he’ll run out of time if he doesn’t say it now. It’s uncoordinated, rushed and raw, like Hongjoong imagines Seonghwa’s feelings must be after so long of being concealed. It’s the way he looks like he’s going to sob as he tells Hongjoong that he feels like someone’s seen him that makes Hongjoong overflow.

“Seonghwa,” he says with his body pressed to the other. He leaves no room for Seonghwa to spew more. “You’re fucked up, we both know it. You play with people’s feelings and take pride in breaking their hearts, and you’re always saying and doing shit that you and I both know don’t actually have any face value. You’re...you’re insecure, Hwa. And you’re stupid enough to avoid and ignore any of your insecurities or problems because your coping mechanism is absolute shit, but I don’t hate it. I don’t hate that I have to navigate some of the things you do, even if I get tired of it. I don’t hate that you’re always fucking around and giving me a hard time, making it difficult for me when I’m trying to be honest and open. It’s not...I know it’s not ideal, but it works, doesn’t it?”

Hongjoong wants Seonghwa to know. He wants Seonghwa to see what his honesty is spelling out for them.

“Does it? Does it really work?”

Hongjoong stares into Seonghwa’s shaking eyes. That nervousness that he appreciates so much, Seonghwa couldn’t even begin to understand it. The way he puts his trust in Hongjoong enough to show him the way he’s wavering. Hongjoong loves him. He loves him more than anything in the goddamn world.

“Seonghwa,” he says gently. “I’ve got so many reasons to walk away from what we have.” Not a statement that means I’m leaving; not a way to tell Seonghwa he’d ever, ever leave him.

He wants Seonghwa to know it with his heart the way Hongjoong does.

“Then...why don’t you?” 

Hongjoong wants to kiss his bitten lips. He wants to press flowers into every shaking and worried crevice of Seonghwa’s body. He wants to paint Seonghwa in the euphoria he’d feel every time they got close.

“Because I have you,” he says airly, like it’s all a dream and he’ll fade away into nothingness soon. “And you’re the only reason I need to stay.”

He wants to share this happiness with Seonghwa too.

“I love you,” Seonghwa’s saying in a half sob, like he can’t control the amount that pours out just as much as Hongjoong can’t control the way he’s overflowing. “And I hope you know it’s me saying that, the Seonghwa you know and can decipher. I hope you know that I yearn for you so much and you make me want to learn how to fucking act right so I don’t hurt you so much, and I don’t know how but I swear to you I’m going to-”

Hongjoong wants to press his body up to Seonghwa’s and melt into one constant existence. He wants to give Seonghwa the power to give himself everything he’s ever wanted. He wants to take the weak, insecure Park Seonghwa that was getting by through classes and hurting people’s feelings, and show him what real confidence is.

He wants Seonghwa to trust himself the way that Hongjoong trusts him.

“Seonghwa. We’re gonna get through this together, okay? Slow down.” He rests his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder, trying to at least mingle their scents so that no one would know where one ended and the other started. They could exist together. They could get better together. Hongjoong could show Seonghwa all the ways to be healthy and Seonghwa could show Hongjoong all the ways to fall in love over and over again.

Seonghwa said he could be good for Hongjoong, but all Hongjoong needs is for Seonghwa to _just be_.

“I love you too, Hwa.” He says when he’s comfortable enough in his position, sinking into the feeling of Seonghwa’s body on his. “I love you so much that even if the bad reasons always outweigh the good for as long as we’re together, I’d stay just because it’s you.”

Seonghwa might’ve driven Hongjoong crazy, might have steered him so many directions that he didn’t even know where was going anymore, might have taken the invincible Kim Hongjoong and stripped him down into a mood-swinging confused mess-

But when he presses a gentle kiss into Hongjoong’s lips, full of a tender kindness that isn’t being faked, Hongjoong finds he doesn’t mind that at all.

  
>>>>

Hongjoong had met Seonghwa on a cold night at a party, about three years ago.

If he were being truly honest, with both himself and with the people who always question why he was even there that night, he’d say it was because something deep inside of him knew.

Because as he was sitting inside the safe world that he’d crafted, composed of perfectionism and an aversion to mirrors, something in Hongjoong was stirring. Something in him had snapped, for the hundredth time, and Hongjoong had determined that the only way to get rid of the feeling was to drown it out. Each and every time, he did that.

But maybe the thing inside him, breaking over and over again, was trying to tell him. Maybe a cheesy, minuscule side of him that believes in soulmates, thinks that it was calling out to him.

That out there was a boy who looked like a Greek god and had just as many problems. That somewhere along the course of his life he was destined to cross paths with a heartbroken boy who had no idea how to communicate any of his thoughts into the world without using his bruised and dirtied hands. That there was a boy, behind a mask, that needed Hongjoong to see him. That in turn, would see Hongjoong too.

If he were being honest, he’d say it was because his heart was calling out to a boy. His honest and yet guarded heart was telling him that love was waiting.

And he needed to stop that boy from crying out to stars he couldn’t reach, when Hongjoong was destined to be that star for him.

Hongjoong is sure he had gone straight to that balcony for a reason. With Seonghwa beside him, maybe until there is nothing left, he’ll never question why he did it.

**Author's Note:**

> IDK if this one was that good, but I hope you all liked it ;u;
> 
> If you liked it, let me know with comments and kudos yeah? I LOVE love love hearing from you guys, seriously it makes my day/week/month.  
> I love y'all very much and I hope you have a good day & remember I love you! I will be the Joong to your confused and deflective Hwa if you need it!
> 
> -until we meet again, nana


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